Friday, May 14, 2010

A Lot of Words Today

I type this post with an arm full of sleeping cat, so please excuse any extra letters - this boy is no tiny pocket-kitten:


I have depression. This is no secret. One of the worst parts of having depression, besides the sheer amount of your life it steals is that you can never trust your own emotions. Am I unhappy in this relationship, or am I depressed? Do I need to quit this job because I'm miserable, or am I just depressed? Can I get off the floor and eat a sandwich? Am I being mean to my loved ones, or are they legitimately being annoying right now? Depression ruins relationships and steals opportunity. A bitterness! I has it.
*Bitter Regret Face!*


SO I got to Dell Arte 6 weeks from tomorrow and am DETERMINED to put myself in the best possible state of mind - I ruined my college career by spending a lot of time lying on the floor wondering if I could eat a sandwich or the best way to put myself into a coma. I refuse to let that happen again. By the time I was a junior at Marymount I had tried every major available anti-depressant, and the least offensive side effect was falling asleep on the N train and waking up in Coney Island. Sleepiness, weight gain, zombification, and I never really stopped being desperately sad. I have six weeks to try all the Seattley options. An extremely reputable Ballard acupuncturist has agreed to see me for a third of her usual rate. Yoga, as we know makes me bawl, but I'm committing to 3 classes a week. I want to make my body as strong as I can before I get to DA so I can do the best possible work, and I have a friend with SEVERE depression who was able to give up her meds after four years of daily yoga practice. The possibility of those double benefits give me a kind of hope that will get me through the horrible crying poses.

Enough words for today: I'm off to make a spreadsheet. OMG I LOVE spreadsheets. Put my life into manageable little boxes and then color code them? YES PLEASE!








2 comments:

Natalie said...

One of the worst parts of having depression, besides the sheer amount of your life it steals is that you can never trust your own emotions. Am I unhappy in this relationship, or am I depressed? Do I need to quit this job because I'm miserable, or am I just depressed?

Exactly. Let me know how that acupuncture and yoga works for you. I need to get un-depressed too.

Mariah said...

I hear ya, lady. I'm pretty much there, too. I actually got a prescription for Zoloft, but then couldn't bring myself to do it. I really believe that exercise, sleep and eating well are the keys- but I'm so low I can't totally bring myself to DO those things! Ha, but yes, spreadsheets do help. :) I loves spreadsheets. Also, something I find myself doing is alienating myself from others, thinking it's what I want and what will make me and them feel better. But, this isn't true. So just make sure you always surround yourself with people who love you- even if it's not always easy. Good for you for being so proactive and doing all of this! I hope it works!!! :) xoxo