Thursday, May 20, 2010

Ten Things I Wish Would Show Up In the Side Panels on Facebook

Cause seriously? The ads for weight loss and engagement rings are getting old. And sad. Thanks.

1) Free All Expense Paid Trip to Ireland, No Strings Attached!

*You know, where the History comes from*

2) Education Grants for Clowns! We've Got More Money Than We Know What To Do With!

3) How to Make Your Space Your Own while Sharing 330 sq feet with a Boy

4) 100 Tattoos That Actually Make You A More Interesting Person and Adequately Reflect Your Personality

5) Creative Jobs in Norway, Australia, New Zealand, Scotland, England and France! We Supply Visas!

6) Be The Person Your Knick Knacks and Jewelery Say You Are!

7) Trade Your Student Loans for a Car!*

*this is my actual dream car, btw*

8) New Miracle Depression Cure is Already In Your House!
*aw man! It was RIGHT THERE ALL ALONG!*

9) New Seattle Talent Agency Doesn't Give A Shit What Your Headshots Look Like! Get Work TODAY!
*What?! These people totally look the same!*

10) Answers.

*ok, this one was a little silly.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


So the acupuncture. I wish I'd been able to blog directly from my brain while it was happening, because it was pretty darned intense. After the treatment I was exhausted and hungry, and I didn't do anything the rest of the day except eat pierogis and pat my cat.
I was surprised and delighted at all the questions the acupuncturist asked - they were all so relevant I was excited to answer them. People told me the needles didn't hurt, which is not entirely true. Some of them hurt a lot. Some of them hurt in areas not even close to where they were actually sticking. My insteps are still sore today. I panicked a little, had trouble breathing properly- the same anxiety I feel during yoga. The acupuncturist was very cool and soothing and brought me green tea and kleenex.
Next she used tuning forks - this was my favorite part. I've always been really sensitive to low frequencies and sounds and combinations of notes - tight harmonies in music have always pretty much been my religion. I was able to soften my focus and my mind managed to quiet itself a bit.
To sum it up, I felt hopeful because I felt something. Sometimes that's all you can ask for.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

On Pins and (flaming) Needles

I'm about to go for my first acupuncture appointment! Of course I'm not depressed right now - I've tried to express my depression to therapists before and felt feeble and inadequate at being able to get across the desperation I feel since I'm not feeling it RIGHT then. I always end up feeling rather cheerful at the time of the appointment, and I don't get much help. My Park Avenue therapist pretty much chalked me up to White Girl Problems and gave me whatever antidepressant samples he had in his desk drawer. I'm not kidding.

So I'm optimistic. I've heard a lot of good things about acupuncture, and it's 180 degrees from anything else I've tried. Hopefully things will start looking up and I can go back to funny clown blog town, which I prefer!
*Acupuncture's GREAT!*

Speaking of which, someone very close to me disapproves of me blogging, finding it very self involved and narcissistic. I think/worry about this when I talk about my problems, but I'm inspired by my awesome friend over at A Splendid Endeavor (an awesome blog chronicling Mariah's health problems and struggles along the way to having her first child) . This is not narcissism. We don't do this because we think the world needs to read about how awesome we are (though we are DEEPLY awesome). We do it because we're different people with different stories, and all of us can help and appreciate each other. Plus I don't know about you, but getting stuff out of me head where it's been circulating for freaking AGES helps a LOT. I'm not looking for a book deal here, kids. Cake Wrecks I ain't.(/digression)

Hee hee. Cake Wrecks. I love them.

I'll let you know how it goes!

Friday, May 14, 2010

A Lot of Words Today

I type this post with an arm full of sleeping cat, so please excuse any extra letters - this boy is no tiny pocket-kitten:

I have depression. This is no secret. One of the worst parts of having depression, besides the sheer amount of your life it steals is that you can never trust your own emotions. Am I unhappy in this relationship, or am I depressed? Do I need to quit this job because I'm miserable, or am I just depressed? Can I get off the floor and eat a sandwich? Am I being mean to my loved ones, or are they legitimately being annoying right now? Depression ruins relationships and steals opportunity. A bitterness! I has it.
*Bitter Regret Face!*

SO I got to Dell Arte 6 weeks from tomorrow and am DETERMINED to put myself in the best possible state of mind - I ruined my college career by spending a lot of time lying on the floor wondering if I could eat a sandwich or the best way to put myself into a coma. I refuse to let that happen again. By the time I was a junior at Marymount I had tried every major available anti-depressant, and the least offensive side effect was falling asleep on the N train and waking up in Coney Island. Sleepiness, weight gain, zombification, and I never really stopped being desperately sad. I have six weeks to try all the Seattley options. An extremely reputable Ballard acupuncturist has agreed to see me for a third of her usual rate. Yoga, as we know makes me bawl, but I'm committing to 3 classes a week. I want to make my body as strong as I can before I get to DA so I can do the best possible work, and I have a friend with SEVERE depression who was able to give up her meds after four years of daily yoga practice. The possibility of those double benefits give me a kind of hope that will get me through the horrible crying poses.

Enough words for today: I'm off to make a spreadsheet. OMG I LOVE spreadsheets. Put my life into manageable little boxes and then color code them? YES PLEASE!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Portal to Blue Lake

So the good folks over at Dell Arte were nice enough to stream their clown students' final performances tonight. I watched the entire thing, laughed, cried, felt feelings.

I'm frustrated that I didn't find this kind of work until this late. I'm thankful that it's not TOO late. And I'm worried that one summer intensive is not going to be enough.

In short:

I'm in love.

Dell Arte student clown performances are streaming 8pm May 1! Join me for all the foam rubber and terror!

Back on the roll! I scooted to the Cathedral this morning for some good old fashioned trapeze practice. Sciatica showed up and decided to make my butt hurt if I tried to do anything upside-down, awesome. So 12$ gym session of conditioning. That's probably good anyway, I have useless little T-Rex arms that just go floppity -flop.

I'm super broke! Aah! That's ok! The Clown Jar is showing some monetary progress, and if you don't invest in yourself, who will. No luck yet on the job front - thanks Government for allowing me to eat and stuff. I know I should take another law job, but I know where that road leads. Once someone gives you a living wage and health insurance, you start thinking that's what's important, when in fact it is not.

It's May 1! Happy Beltane and pay your rent!