Mumble mumble mumble.

I have been a mad person lately.

Mad:Insane

mad:grumpy

mad:proooobably not making the healthiest choices.

I probably change more than anyone I know. I'm like one of those volcanoes the science guys walk on on the television. Rock on top, crazyassed roiling lava underneath. Always in motion. I'm like that, except the next moment the volcano is a pie. Then a stack of files. Then a helicopter. Then Charlie Sheen. Then a pie again. It's why I don't follow politics. Every political argument I've ever been in has gone like this:

Me: This!

Them: No! This!

Me: You're probably right.

Yeah, it's exhausting. Buddhists call this "Monkey Mind". I call it "If I Don't Have A Glass of Red Wine I'm Going To Have A Panic Attack Mind". Granted, the Buddhists solution is much healthier than mine, but I tried meditating once, and it was scary in there. Scary and loud.

So, it's a transitional time, as I try to figure out if I'm depressed, learning to stand up for myself, or just not as nice as I used to be.

That's what's been going on. In case you wondered where I went.

"It is clear that I must find my other half. But is it a he or a she?... What does this person look like? Identical to me? Or somehow complementary? Does my other half have what I don't? Did he get the looks, the luck, the love? Were we really separated forcibly or did he just run off with the good stuff? Or did I? Will this person embarrass me? And what about sex? Is that how we put ourselves back together again? Or can two people actually become one again? And if we're driving on the Autobahn when it happens, can we still use the diamond lane?"

-John Cameron Mitchell as Hedwig Schmidtt

Hi Beauties. This brought me some inspiring perspective. I'm already proud to be a part of this family. Lloyd's gonna make it. So am I. I know we are.

Full Body Eyeroll

Well, I had to take down the ChipIn page, somebody went all creepy all over it.

Rar.

I'm going to try to get www.kickstarter.com to accept a proposal for me - but they really only do plans with a finite outcome. Help me think of a way to propose my tuition, or the trip or SOMETHING as a plan they'd let me run on their site?

Come to me, oh smart masses!!

Oh, and as for the douchecanoe that ruined my fundraising page?

Quinquennial Freakout!!

Every five years, my brain grows robot legs, one of those little rotating saws, a desire to see the world, and tries to exit my head. In 2002 I up and left Missouri for New York. In 2007, I up and left New York for Seattle. Well we're creepin' up on 2012, and the little saw is a'buzzin in there.

But I already have a place to run away to all set up (if I didn't I'd probably be looking at teaching jobs in Copenhagen or something. Seriously, I do this)! So instead Brain is just bouncing around in there, making me feel all weird and insecure and terrible. In years past it's been all cry cry cry nobody loves me, I'm an annoying person and I'll be alone forever. This is the first year ever I haven't been able to get away with that one. I have beautiful, talented, supportive friends. I have a brilliant ex, who though he could barely stand me when we were together (I KID!!), still wants to hang out with me now that we're not . Someone even told me lately that I'm 'not as awkward as I think I am'. That is such a relief. I worry ALL the time. But I'm starting to realize how irrational that is, and that means I'm not insane all the way.

I've been watching this promo video non stop:

http://vimeo.com/7990368

This is going to be SO GOOD FOR ME. I hate leaving Seattle and my friends, especially with all the new babies that will be running around almost exactly when I leave. But I gotta fight the robot.

Also Chris bet me I couldn't learn Mills Mess in 2 months. If I do, he'll put 50$ in my clown fund.

Prepare to eat it.

(Mills Mess is this trick, but with less lookin' like a douchebag:)

Lunch Hour Quiet Revelations

I remember when I was little, and somewhere along the way I decided that when you die, all that remains of your entire existence is that which is remembered in the minds of other people. Once everyone who knew you or was touched by you in some way dies, (unless you made the history books, recording charts, or film archives) you never existed.

I just today, while picking up a sandwich, I reached the scientific end point of a human beings ability to live like that.

Huh.

And when I say "huh", of course I mean:

Hello beautiful darlings. I have never been so busy as I was doing the commedia!! I'm talking open the cupcake store at 6am, rehearse from 11-4, go back and close the cupcake shop until midnight lather rinse repeat busy.

The Moore is an amazing theatre. It's all catacom-ey and old-timey and gorgeous.

I didn't take many pictures because I didn't want to look like an amateur, but sometimes I just couldn't help myself.

Oh my god my dressing room had a couch.

OH MY GOD I HAD A DRESSING ROOM! I napped there. There was steam heat and it was always hissing which was nice for the napping, it made the place less spooky.

The best part of all was I got to work with an amazing group of actors and clowns. Our Arlechinno came up from California, and was a true leader. Our Capocomico (chief of comedy and leader of the troupe) . I felt so lucky to learn from such a worldly performer and working clown. Also our troupe of hearty actors, our Professore and of course our Maestro. Here he is challenging Arlechinno to a bout of leg wrestling:

Not bad for a guy who just turned 72.

We had movie nights together, and Capocomico cooked traditional Italian meals. There was much wine. And then negroni, grappa, more wine...zzzzzzzzzz

Anyway. I'm tired, I'm proud, and I want more.