I was asked to do a fringe show in New York. Like...starting tomorrow.
I'm doing it (inatotalpanic)

I wasnt going to do it. Then my dad asked me what I would do if I wasnt afraid. So I'm at the airport.

Leap!

Or as Ronlin would say

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

YERGERRRRR

I wonder why this woman might be dealing with low back pain.

I had a VERY good yoga class this morning. Even though I slept poorly and was emotionally exhausted (I almost didn't go, hahahahah) I felt grounded and strong and like my old self. Everything felt so real and good. My favorite part was the visitation by the ghosts of Dell'Arte Past. Laura's voice in my ear to relax my tongue, the place between my eyebrows, to feel the weight of my organs. Her freedom to breathe (Laura is from Spain, she is also VERY hot, and during yoga makes noises that would make a porn star blush. Fuck it, man, if you're gonna breathe, BREATHE). Joe's incessant 'don't be tired' and 'see how little effort you can use to achieve this' and 'cultivate the qualities you see and enjoy'. Oh and my favorite:"Fuck yeah! That's the shit, isn't it?!" The back of Donlin's hand laying in to soften my palm, his attention to extension and line. How lucky I am that these ghosts visit me.
     It's a well known fact that it's hard to let go of D'A place when you leave it. You form this incredible bond with your ensemble (even the ones you hate) and the teachers who I respect more than any other humans on the planet. And then like a sacred lover they're gone, and they have a new pile of students and you're just one of a thousand alumni and your heart breaks a little. Even if you find yourself in the physical place, the jokes have changed and it's not what belongs. Not what changed you. You're a part of what changes others now. So for the ghosts to visit touches the lonely places in my heart and  fills me with gratitude. And How important gratitude is on the path to happiness. How forgivable I become to myself, if only for a short time. Once again home on the levee.

I don't have to beg the feeling to stay. Only to remind me how to find it again.

Point of interest, a circuit closed:
http://laviolette-laviolette.blogspot.com/2010/04/yoga.html

Again, nearly to the day.

Namaste.

Kiss Me Like A Stranger

I just read Gene Wilder's book Kiss Me Like A Stranger: My Search For Love and Art.

Like I JUST read it. All. In one sitting. I ate it like cake. I want love and art too. Too much.

It's an excellent book, conversational, blunt, open. He talks about Gilda, though not how I expected.

I shouldn't have read it so fast. I need a place to put my brain to keep it from chewing its wounds like a dog.

Witchcraft and Folk Music

Quite out of ideas, I wrote the things I needed to let go of on a white sheet of paper and lit that shit on goddamned fire.

Vulnerability

Wow. I came back to blog in my blog only to find my last post was a year ago TO THE DAY. I was about to barrel into Clown Block.

Oh to hop in my TARDIS and return to that day.

The year that has followed it has contained the highest professional highs and the lowest personal lows of my life. I lied. I cheated. I probably stole. I let the shame of it tear me completely apart. But as my therapist (and pinterest) have said, rock bottom is a good place from which to build your new life. And hey, I didn't end up dead or in jail, so, you know. Hope.

So now I'm creating my first original piece of theatre. I'm of course terrified it'll be exactly the sort of thing I hate seeing at fringe festivals (I HAVE FEELINGS AND I'M GOING TO FEEL THEM AT YOU) but I'm tired of letting that fear stop me trying. I'm trying to learn how to let myself exist in the world. Oh wait - everyone should watch this.


This is my study now. Which means writing more here (even though I'm super crazy insecure!). It means creating work (see above! Aah!) It means being a better friend and a whole hearted person.

I can't sleep, I'm too excited. Tomorrow I do something I've dreamed about since I heard it existed.

Happy Clown Eve everyone!

Chasing the Dragon

I was just listening to some La Bottine Souriante (www.bottinesouriante.com) and made a strange realization about a connection in my brain. Years ago I desperately wanted to make music because of the feeling it gave me. I tried a lot of instruments so I could be on the inside of the sound. The feeling that good clown gives me is the exact same feeling. Exact same chemical, location in the brain, and desire to be on the inside of it. To DO it, to provide it for others.
      It's a feeling that connects me to something, and maybe the only one that makes me feel, at my worst, like there's a reason for me on this planet.

Very strange that these very different things are the same. The Great Big Sea feeling is the same as the Geoff Hoyle feeling?
Must make it more.

This song helped me get there today :
http://grooveshark.com/#!/s/Walk+Humbly+Son/3ZhSjP?src=5

Which also makes me miss you, Miriam. <3

It&apos;s COMMEDIA BLOCK!

WE GOT WIFI!!!

CALLOO CALLAY! Only time will tell if this actually helps me post more, but it's certainly  a step in the right direction.

Right now for instance, I'm on my way to the school library to try to check out a copy of ACT's Taming of the Shrew, which was amazing, and then coloquium at seven and rehearsal at 8. I'm totally exhausted, if anyone out there had any suggestions or herbal elixirs for energy, send them my way. I feel all old over here.

At any rate:

Animal Week

Greetings from Arcata Square!

Going into week five on crutches! Animal week was especially hard for me, that's the kind of work I can really dig into. We went to the zoo, watched a lot of YouTube and tried to produce some convincing animals. Mostly, it was not good. But we once again started to disregarded the impossible, so it counts as a success.
   I had a short update meeting with the faculty Friday, and I'm feeling much relieved. They aren't worried about me, and as usual know me better than I know myself.
     Being injured has allowed me to take an ALARMING amount of notes. Shall I share with you some gems? I think I shall. I hesitate to talk about what we're doing at all. It's like my own little religion. I have to tell you, the people that teach us here say some profound, hilarious stuff.

"I'm asking for fire in the pelvis What you're giving me is mice in the underpants." -R
"Love one another. It's the best. Otherwise life becomes an endless road of legislation" -R
"Never trust a seated artist"
"Pulling out the chair
Beneath your mind
And watching you fall upon God –" - Hafiz

"More cojones. Less... child bearing area."-R

We deal a lot with re-training audiences. Not feeding them conventions. And we never, ever clap unless we mean it. 

I also got to celebrate Diwali, the Indian festival of lights with Pratik and the entire famiglia (Dell'Arte family!) He made a huge vat of traditional Indian street food, and we lit hundreds of candles all over. It was lovely!

Slog slog slog

Well folks, the news from the orthopaedic surgeon was good-ish. No torn tendons, no torn ligaments, but the meniscus is torn and the ligaments all sprained and janky. Still learning patience - let's be accurate actually. Still screaming with all my skin  ALL I WANT TO DO IS WORK. It sucks. I'm still here, I love my class, and the faculty is amazing on a level I can't even comprehend some days. I'm heading into week four on crutches which means I can't participate in the performance labs, but I've become the regular emcee.

I don't know guys. It makes me sad today. All I ever wanted to do was to do this fully every single moment. It's hard from under an ice pack in the corner.

Don't worry. Still workin' it.

So, we're thinking Medial Collateral ligament tear. I'm convinced it's only a strain. Monday's visit to the orthopaedic surgeon will tell. Boy, I tell you, I'm frustrated. I did a lot of work and sacrificed a lot of things to come here, and I sure as heck hate watching it pass me by from the couch.

My class is super supportive - I'm so afraid of being left behind but I know they won't let it happen. Learning. patience. Gratitude, writing, and developing a directors eye. Sigh no more. It's par for the course.

Pre Performance Lab Check In

I ran almost 2 miles this morning. It's better in a group of 40. With songs.

I have not worn real pants in a week.

Boy is my temper juuuuuuust below the surface

I get weirdly athletic and competitive during group sports

I love to sleep more than ever

Yes, you can have a bagel and cream cheese and 2 portions of rice cheese and broccoli for lunch. Yes, you will be hungry in 2 hours.

First Performance

HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING

pirate ship made from a converted white Volkswagen Cabriolet carrying 20 people
pirate zombie band
drag mermaid
DRAG MERMAID FROM INDIA
the phrase"walk the spank"
human sea monkeys
love
love
love
support
love

I've never seen so much care taken to create a safe, fun place. Lloyd borrowed my hat, it looked WAY better on him. Jesus God, Adrenaline.

Instant bonds were made. Trust created. All while we laughed. I feel lucky all of a sudden.

Sometimes, you get really really lucky with your random roommate selection.

First Post from Blue Lake (E?XHAUSTED)

I SAID GODDAMN THERE IS NO TIME FOR MESSING AROUND.

Just the first day of orientation (there are two) has us bruised, sweaty and all too aware of our extreme level of out of shape.

Last night I got to see a workshop production of some alumni and their clown show. Today we oriented for several hours, the MFA's threw us a BBQ, and we got our first assignment. Why am I so tired? We did waaay less than we usually will...

Luckily my roomates are mad cool. They wear safety goggles while driving nails, and buy vodka by the drum. Summer also figured out how to start our ancient stove.

 Well done there, pizza for all. All told, things are pretty much what you'd expect. A lot of extremely nervous, extremely diverse people trying the best way they know how to make a good impression, make friends, and make someone laugh.

Second day of orientation tomorrow, which makes me a little more at ease because it's sweatpants wearing studio work. Warm ups, realizing you STILL can't do push ups, stuff like that. I can deal with that kind of sucking. It's the mental stuff that gets to me. I'll let you know how it goes. Oh, and the day after that is the actual first day of school. Pictures to follow.

A
PS Also, my name anagrams to Axe Boullion. For our metal band.

Queen Robin

As I run out of hours before leaving town, I wanted to tell you all about something actually blogworthy. We've all heard of the Make-a-Wish Foundation - how they make wishes come true for terminally ill children. Let them have batting practice with Ken Griffey Jr or something. When I signed on the help with a wish last weekend, I had no idea what I was in for. The sheer scope of resources and what they can do for people is really mind blowing.
     Robin is 10. She has a brain tumor. She came to Make-A-Wish of Washington and Alaska, and told them she'd like to go to Wonderland. She wanted to play croquet with the Queen of Hearts, meet creatures real and imagined, solve riddles, and sleep where no one had ever slept before. What Make A Wish came up with was more vast, detailed, and magical than I could have imagined. It really changed my perspective to see hundreds of people working hundreds of hours not for an audience, not for ticket sales or reviews, but for the complete happiness of one single person.
    A white rabbit arrived at Robin's door with an invitation from the Queen. Told her to pack a bag. Put her, her mother, father and 14 year old brother in a vintage Bentley and took them to...Nordstrom. Nordstrom set her up with tea, cake, and a personal shopper. She tried on a dozen party dresses and chose her very favorite. Back into the Bentley, adn to the White Queen's City Palace - anyone who has seen pictures of me from Wonderland knows the Space Needle is clearly modeled after Her White Majesty. Robin, the White Rabbits and her family "fell up" the elevators to the Space Needle where all the tourists blew bubbles as the doors opened. Robin cleverly sighted The White Queen through one of the telescopes, and followed the clues to The Ruins, where the maddest of Tea Parties commenced. And we hadn't even begun yet.

After tea, Robin napped on a 40 foot catamaran to the Bloedel Reserve (holy cow, that place is magical). They had dinner with the Duchess herself (too much pepper, I hear) and then to sleep in the canopy bed they built just for her. The next day was a whirlwind for all of us. Breakfast with the Queen of Hearts  (Robin brought her the red roses she'd been given the day before. Whenever anyone gave her a gift, she passed it directly on. I got a sunflower :)) A morning of croquet with the Red and White Queens (and the Red King, thanks for joining late, Gavin!) and a team of 6 gymnast hedgehogs! They were soon frightened away by our aerialista Cheshire Cat, and Robin and Alice started an afternoon of riddles, challenges, parkour with the tweedles Dum and Dee... all the while acquiring bits of costumery in the Wonderland aesthetic. There was a picnic, a short sing along with out brilliant Mock Turtle, K Brian Neel... Robin passed the proper examinations and became Queen Robin, there was cake, and Crunch Punch and riddles and love.

     Make a Wish does things right. Nothing was overlooked and everything was done double. If you're feeling unfulfilled, like you don't make a difference, volunteer with these people. Everything they do is 80% volunteer driven. Make wishes come true. http://www.nwwishes.org/

I almost forgot my favorite part! The goodbyes were tearful! Robin was picked up in a sea plane to go home. Perhaps my favorite moment of the whole few days was the sea plane dipping it's wings over the Bluffs of Wonderland so we could all wave goodbye one more time. Robin's brother snapped this picture. We missed her so much already:)

Make wishes come true. Make something that matters for just one person, any way you can.

Bonus Photo!

Thanks to Photog Ian Johnston!

I've just gotten home from the Red Nose Revue, and I wanted to post while the endorphins are still flowing.

I'm so full of gratitude, joy, hope and a strong feeling that the insane decisions I've made this year were so so right. I don't have words big enough. My friends are the most fantastic people on the planet and whatever I did to earn their presence in my life I will spend the rest of my life making it worth their while.

We sold out ten minutes before the band even started. I've never felt love from a crowd like that. And I didn't even know ALL of them!

I have the Love.

And in the words of Geoffery Tennant: How? How do we make it like this every single night?

Happy Happy Day!

WE MADE THE KICKSTARTER!! This means the Red Nose Revue will be a real fundraiser and I won't have to pay the cast and crew and band and space out of receipts! If we sell out I could make an entire month of being alive in Blue Lake. Squee.

The best part about the whole thing is the people who donated. They donated for 2 reasons.

a) They are personal friends of mine and believe in be. What could possibly make a soul feel better than that? My strapped for cash friends with their own dreams and trials carved out some change because they love me.

b)Some donors were strangers, which means people care about this kind of work. They want to see it done. It still strikes a chord, which validates and vindicates everything I'm trying to do with my life.

It's so hard no to use all caps and multiple exclamation marks. It is an all caps and exclamations kind of day.

Playing Proud,

A